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Adopt a Barricade at St. Pat's Parade to support morons and Paranoid Bed Wetters.
By Nick Scott
This year will mark the 30 th anniversary of the "modern" St. Patrick's Day parade and celebration in Kansas City, and I am sure this one will be the best yet. Why? Adoptable barricades, that's why! Beginning this year for only $100 you can adopt your very own loveable and cuddly barricade. It is kind of like Build-A-Bear, but way better. Can a teddy bear restrain a crowd? These fun loving St. Patty's day mementos go great with a pint of Guinness and a green hat. After the 2004 parade where, GASP, people were seen drinking in the streets. Something had to be done for the safety of the parade goers. What better way to protect than to restrain?
In our society, physical restraint is the only solution that seems to be posed to any problem. Violence in Westport? Barricade out minors. Terrorists on airplanes? Barricade out people without tickets. Do you have protestors coming to your convention? Have them get tickets to sit in the exclusive barricaded protestors only area. Last year, somebody did fire a gun, and there were some fights, but will a barricade somehow magically stop it? If it does, that is one hell of a barricade, but I am sure it will not. Will starting the parade earlier subside the drinking issue? I doubt it.
Most people are good, fun loving people who don't mind having a drink or twelve on good 'ole St Patty's day. However we are always getting the shaft by two groups of people. These people are ruining just about everything fun in our society. These people represent a small minority, but they force us to stand behind barricades everywhere we go.
• Morons
Morons really screw things up for us. These are the mental midgets that get in fights wherever there is alcohol. They scream profanities for no reason, and last year a moron fired a gun at the parade. These are the people that for some reason always forget that after they drink 20 beers, they throw up and annoy people. Maybe they need tattoos like the guy in Memento. Whenever they drink a beer, they can look at their wrist and it says "You are a moron when you drink, stop." Luckily there is a solution to morons: laws. Fighting is illegal, shooting weapons is illegal, and because of these morons, drinking in public is illegal. So when there are morons they get arrested.
• Paranoid Bed Wetters
The PBWs are the most serious threat to fun. These people somehow are always standing directly by morons. I am not sure why this is; they must be gravitationally opposite and thus attract each other. They always see what morons do, and are so appalled they have to do something about it. They don't do what normal people would do and get the police to arrest the moron, they complain. Complaining is what PBWs do best. They also are the #1 demographic of people who watch local television news so their complaining always gets heard. If the morons were not watching television news to see themselves or their friend's mug shots on TV, then the PBW would be the only people who watch the news at all. So these PBWs whine and moan and cry and say that drinking is ruining St. Patty's day, and we need barricades, and only terrorists carry lighters on airplanes. They really ruin everything. While the moron can only ruin a moment, the PBWs ruin every thing in the future. These are the people we must really watch out for.
So, what can all of us normal people do? I have no idea. We have been under the rule of the morons and PBWs since the first caveman peed on the food stockpiled at the back of the cave. The only thing I can think is to avoid both groups and try to enjoy the last bit of fun we are still allowed to have. Either that or adopt a barricade and dress it up like your favorite moron or PBW.
